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But, before we get to that use this report to boost the amount of women in your life. Men have always had fantasies of dating (or sleeping with) older women. And, women have wanted to find their own stud muffin as witnessed by Hollywood stars such as Mae West, Mary Tyler Moore, Raquel Welsh, and Susan Sarandan. More recently, Demi Moore has made the older woman – younger man idea sexy when she married hunk Ashton Kutcher. Other celebrity women dating younger men include Halle Berry (Gabriel Aubry) and Linda Hogan (19 year old Charlie Hill).
Many television shows and movies have also grabbed onto this popular trend.
Fran Drescher had a (not so popular) show called “Living With Fran” on WB in the 2005-2006 season. VH1 put together a reality show “Kept” where 12 young studs compete to become Jeri Hall’s “kept man” for a year. And, in the ultimate chic flick, Samantha dates a younger man on 2008’s Sex and the City movie.
In fact, Kim Cattrall, the actress who plays Samantha on Sex and the City, dates a man 23 years her junior, chef Alan Wyse. Why is this trend so popular right now? Part of it could be because opposites attract. Younger men may like the experience and confidence of older women and the older women, in turn, like the hard body factor of younger men.
The trend is so popular that there is a term for older women who date younger men. They’re called “cougars.” At first, this was a derogatory term for women who would go home with whatever man was left at a bar’s closing time. But, lately, women have taken up the term with pride.
There’s also sexual component to it. Many adolescents fantasize about losing their virginity to older, experienced women. Even after men become experienced themselves, some of them continue to have a sexual fantasy involving an older woman.
Aside from sex, there are also emotional reasons to date older women. Cougars don’t play the “head games” that women in their 20’s seem to think are necessary in a relationship. Older women also have more life experience which makes life with them more interesting. She also genuinely understands men and their needs.
A Cougar doesn’t need your money. Not only is she not concerned about the prestige of your job, she also doesn’t care whether you take the “long route” to getting one. For this reason, many men who are pursuing advanced degrees, working on developing a career that doesn’t have immediate potential, or pursuing a passion, find older women to be more understanding about money issues.
She also isn’t going to be concerned about your not being able to pick up the check every time. One of the best things about Cougars is that they have money of their own and they’re not afraid to spend it.
Finally, a Cougar will be more relaxed about commitment. She is not going to be rushing to the alter. More than likely, she’s already been married once, so the “big day” is less important to her.
What’s In It For Her? So, why would a Cougar want to meet you? For one thing, it’s trendy and many women will jump on a trend. Part of that is that because society finds it more acceptable, she will be likely to pursue a natural interest in a younger man without worrying about the social stigma. But another part is that women just want to do the “next new thing.”
She also perceives that younger men are better in bed than men her own age or older. Younger men have more stamina. They also have harder, more attractive bodies, in general.
But there may also be some biology at play here. A woman reaches her sexual peak in her late 30’s and remains very sexual in her 40’s and even early 50’s. Men, on the other hand, peak sexually at age 19. Men in their 20’s are much more sexually in tune with older women that the women’s peers are.
She may also have a mothering instinct. If your Cougar is like this, she may actually be glad if you are still in school or are just beginning to build a career. Whether she’s looking to mother you, one of the strongest motivations a Cougar has is that she doesn’t want a father figure in a man.
A cougar may also believe that you will look up to her as the worldly, experienced woman that she is. It may make her feel good to pick up the check, give career advice or mentor you,
Another reason that women like younger men is because men her own age or older are not likely to accept her successes naturally. As I mentioned in the introduction, most Cougars are managers or small business owners. This threatens many of the men in their peer group who are more likely to see the ideal woman as a homemaker.
Younger men may be “metrosexuals” which Cougars are very comfortable with. A metrosexual is a single heterosexual man who lives in a city who has a strong concern for his appearance.
A concern for her own appearance may be one of the motivating factors in a Cougar picking up a younger man. As a woman ages, she becomes less confident about her own attractiveness. Being able to attract a younger man is a way that lets her know that she’s still “got it.”
A woman could have been a Cougar all of her life (she dated a freshman when she was a senior in high school) or she may be a late bloomer. If she was fairly sexually repressed in her 20s, she may feel that she’s catching up on lost time by dating a younger guy.
Hunting The Wild Cougar (Where to Meet a Cougar) So, if you are setting out to meet an older women who might be interested in you, where should you look? There are two obvious places where you can meet single women of any age. The first is at a bar. While Cougars are unlikely to hang out at the latest rave, they do go to bars. And, when they go to bars, they’re on the prowl. If you want to meet an older woman who is actively looking for a younger man, go to a bar where the female demographic is in their 30s.
The other common place to meet an older woman is online. While these women do go places such as EHarmony and Match.com, there are specific sites set up for older women and younger men to meet. While you could run into an older woman by chance on the mainstream site, if you are seeking out a Cougar, check out this site:
But, don’t limit yourself to singles bars and online dating sites. If you want to meet a Cougar in real life, here are some places where you might find her.
1. Starbucks first thing in the morning. Remember, she’s a go-getter. She’s going to be at work first thing in the morning. That means that she’s going to need her coffee. So, one of the best places to meet an older lady who just might be interested in you is at the local coffee shop. You should frequent a Starbucks every morning and chat up the ladies you meet in line. A casual encounter over early morning coffee could lead to a late night romantic tryst over wine.
2. A “social” supermarket. Hey, these women have to eat. And, in virtually every major city, there’s a “social” supermarket located in a heavily singles area where casual encounters can lead to bigger things. Make a point of stopping in the supermarket in the evenings to see if you can pick up more than a loaf of bread and a bunch of bananas.
3. The Gym. A Cougar is, by definition, concerned about her looks. She’s not going to let her body go to pot just because she’s aging. So, the local gym is a great place to meet these women. In fact, personal trainers have an inside track to hooking up with fit, older women. But, even if you just are a gym rat, you can pick up a Cougar. Help her out with a machine, spot her on weights, or even take a spinning class to get to know some women. Early mornings and late evenings are the best time to meet these women as they have to work their work out around their busy careers.
4. Classes. Women like to do group activities more than men. And, a single woman is more likely to engage in self improvement classes than a single man is. Therefore, if you sign up for a writer’s workshop, wine tasting, or music appreciation class, you are quite likely to have the pick of the ladies. Perhaps the best kind of class to take is social dancing. Women tend to
outnumber men in these classes and the activities require mixed gender pairs. So, you will be quite popular if you enroll in a social dancing class.
5. Weddings. You don’t have to be a wedding crasher to meet women, but it would behoove you to attend all of the weddings you are invited to. Single women never feel quite as alone as they do at weddings when the focal point of the event is two people promising themselves to each other forever. If you attend weddings with the intent of meeting women, you’re sure to be in luck more often than not.
A Subtle Game (Approaching a Cougar) So, now you have spotted a woman who you think you might be interested in. How do you approach her? If you are at a singles bar or online dating site, you can use the standard pick up lines. But, if you are in a more traditional place, you will have to be more creative.
First you will have to ascertain if she is single and if she is open to a date. If a woman makes eye contact across a room, it’s a good sign she’s open to a conversation. When you talk to her, if she’s somewhat flirtatious, it might be worth pursuing further. When she touches you on the shoulder or knee, she’s demonstrating a definite interest. If she goes out of her way to “bump” into you from time to time, definitely strike up a conversation if she’s to your liking.
Once you’ve decided that you would like to go out on a date, here are some key tips for how to approach her: Don’t bring up the age difference unless she does. She will know you are younger, so there’s no point in mentioning it. She wants to be treated like a woman, not an “older woman.” Be respectful. Younger women will put up with more nonsense than older women will. So, be respectful. Be confident and take charge. She’ll respect you for it. Suggest somewhere that is interesting. We’ll get into where to go on your date in the next section, but, as a preview, ambiance counts with older women. If she’s open to a date, she has one of two fantasies about you. She could be looking at you as a “boy toy” who is decorative to have around and probably good in bed. In this case, you’ll just be a casual fling. On the other hand, she could be looking for a long term relationship with a man. It could be that she likes younger men or it could be that she’s just particularly attracted to you. Try to figure out where she’s coming from before you make your approach.
The First Date If there is more than a 7 year gap in your ages, you will probably have different expectations of what a first date should be like. While younger women are often comfortable with the “hanging out” routine, an older lady will want to be romanced.
If you are meeting a woman for the first time (for instance, you met online or this is a blind date), you’ll want to go to an interesting bar for a drink. This way, if the meeting doesn’t go well, either of you can decide to end it after a couple of beers or a glass of wine. But, don’t think a hole in the wall pool bar is a great place to meet. Suggest a trendy martini bar or wine bar or a place where the Jazz is good. Show some class.
If you are going to commit to dinner, the same advice applies. The best places to go are places that have a lot of ambience. For instance, a Tapas restaurant is a good conversation starter. A dinner cruise is something classy and unique. Fondue resturants are popular right now and they’re fun. So, look for someplace that has atmosphere.
If you take your Cougar on a date to a restaurant, you should mind your table manners. Older women are far more concerned about decorum at the table than younger women are. Along this same line, you should plan to dress nicely, be well groomed, and have interesting things to talk about. If you are not into a restaurant for your date, you have other options as well. What about a picnic in the park? Be sure to bring a kite. Going to an amusement park can be a great first date if you are willing to risk spending that much time on
a first date. A zoo gives you a similar experience. Physical activities can be a great way for your cougar to show off just how fit she is. Tennis is a great first date idea for two people who are handy with a racket. If neither of you play, how about a round of miniature golf? The point is to be creative and put some effort into the first date. That way, if you hit it off, she will already be looking forward to the second one. Here Kitty Kitty (How to Talk to a Cougar) Because there is a gap in your ages and life experiences, there are some things that you have to realize about talking to an older woman. The music of her youth is likely to be “oldies” to you. Her coming of age experiences may be very different than yours.
Most Cougars are successful professional women. They are likely to be up on current events, trends in business, and even the arts. They are, as a group, highly educated and thus appreciate the finer things in life. This doesn’t mean that every older lady is more at home at the opera than at a rock concert, but you have to take her breeding into account when you talk to her.
Older women have a lot of balls in the air. Your Cougar may have teen age or young adult children from a previous relationship. She’s successful at work. She tries to keep herself attractive and healthy. She’s trying to finance her lifestyle while saving for retirement. She may volunteer at church or in the community. All of these things mean she’s got a lot on her plate. But it also means she has a lot of interests. One dimensional conversation won’t cut it with her.
So, if you’re going to keep up, you need to stay on top of things. You need to become well read so you can converse with her. While you don’t have to turn into a literature professor or a current events pundit overnight, she will appreciate being able to have an intelligent conversation with you.
She may be cynical about your idealism and your idealistic approach to life and the world’s problems. Remember that she has a lot of experience pointing her to real world solutions. But, she is also open to the ideas of a younger generation – she is dating you after all!
Another thing that you should realize is that an older lady gets a lot out of flirting. Flirting can be verbal – but it can also be done with eye contact and physical touching. It’s good to give her compliments, but don’t always focus on her looks. She may, in fact, be self-conscious about aging and any complements on her physical appearance may bring attention to the fact she’s getting older. Instead, balance comments about her hair or eyes with complements about her competence at work, her easy going nature, or her grasp of a situation.
Sex and the Older Single Lady A Cougar is never going to say “let’s wait until marriage.” Those words just aren’t in her vocabulary. If you hear that from an older lady, you know that you DON’T have a Cougar on your hands. A Cougar is very interested in sex. One of the reasons you are appealing to her is because you are able to last longer in more creative positions than the gentlemen of her own age are.
She is very confident in her own sexuality and won’t hesitate to tell you what she likes. She may get a kick out of instructing you and helping you grow sexually. People do not lose their sex drives as they age. In fact, women find they have more testosterone as they get older which kicks their sex drives into higher gear. However, there are some sexual issues that you should be aware of if you are dating an older woman. First, you should know that she’s very self conscious about the age difference.
Lazy Mans Guide | No More Nights Alone Get a Cougar She wants to feel like she’s got the body of a 20 year old. She’ll appreciate your compliments – to a degree. But, she doesn’t want you constantly bringing up her looks as that will only make her think about the fact that she is no longer 22. Next, you should know that as women age, the lining of the vaginal wall begins to thin and it becomes more rigid. The production of vaginal lubrication drops. This can lead to discomfort in intercourse. If this is the case, you should be prepared to lubricate her manually. You can work this in as a form of foreplay. You should also be aware of sex and reproduction issues. If a woman in her early 40s has never had children, she may be facing a “now or never” situation. While most Cougars are satisfied with the children they already have, you should be aware of a woman’s biological clock in some cases. Finally, you should openly and honestly discuss protection against Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Just because a woman is past childbearing age does not mean that you can stop using protection.
Going Long With Your New Pet (Long Term Relationships) When you date outside your age group, there are challenges. It is more commonly accepted for an older man to date a younger woman than the other way around. You may attract some stares from strangers or some hostility from friends or family.
While some Cougars like to have “boy toys” as “flings,” other settle down into long term committed relationships and even marriages with younger men. This brings on its own set of challenges.
If you are around the same age as her children are, there may be some discomfort on the part of the children and her ex. You shouldn’t expect to play a stepfather figure to someone who is two years younger than you.
And, if she decides to change her will to include you, there may even be lawsuits from the children who are being cut out. Know too that you are operating on different biological clocks. As I mentioned above, if she is nearing menopause, she’s facing a “now or never” situation for having a first child or another child. However, most Cougars are happy with their progeny as it is. You may be the one who longs for a child that she cannot give you. Many long term Cougar relationships break up over this issue.
Further, you should realize that while she is a youthful middle age woman now, she’ll be old at some point and you’ll be in your prime. She’ll get old and you’ll get middle aged. Is there a future in this relationship for you given those circumstances?
She has chosen to date a younger man because of the unique role you can play in her life. Men her own age often cannot handle her liberation and her strength. You need to be able to consistently give her the support she needs. That means that you have to be available for her on her schedule. You have to realize that in this relationship, it’s not about you.
While she may be on the prowl at first for an older man and you may be specifically looking for a younger woman right now, eventually, all relationships boil down to two people making a life for themselves. Ultimately, this is not about a Cougar and her Boy Toy, it’s about you and her and the rest of your lives.